Question:

If I’m in such a happy relationship, why am I sitting here crying looking at pictures of us to the tune of ‘Iris’?

I HATE this long-distance shit. HATE IT! We chat every day, and talk about whimsical things–you know, with sexual jokes here and there. We look forward to his visits. But it’s so HARD. I miss him.

I don’t know, but I feel particularly depressed today. And anti-social. Don’t want to go out, don’t want to socialize, don’t want to deal with MS being a self-righteous bitch or SH thinking everyone’s fat or not offending SS. Ugh.

Probably just PMSing. Sigh.

I miss him. I feel ridiculous for crying about this even though my roommate is sitting next to me silently tearing up over her ex. Haha. Wow.

WHY AM I SUCH A SAP?!

This is ridiculous. My heart is tearing, but there’s no going back.

I don’t even know what’s making me cry.

I think I just feel like crying. You know, when you just feel like crying? Like, I haven’t cried in awhile and I just feel like crying. Don’t know why.

And I’m listening to happy music too. I don’t get it.

Stress-forums say its anxiety. I suppose that could make sense. I don’t think I cried too much last quarter, despite my 18 units. But I think last quarter I just sucked it up and chugged through. Sigh.

And I ran out of alcohol, so I can’t even fucking drink my problems away.

Cramming is numbing my brain!

GAHHH. Our midterm basically only has three chapters on it, but each chapter has like 10 subsections. and I have this tendency to make stupid mistakes in math, URGH!

B: coffee, half of fiber one toasterpastry, DELICIOUS strawberrycroissantmmm
L: olives+pasta, salad with balsamic

so I’m like RIDICULOUSLY hungry right now. Haha. But I have more studying to do! CourseCompass keeps getting mad at me because I never put exact numbers down and so it will give me a B- or C+ when in reality I deserve at least a B+. SO hopefully the midterm goes well tomorrow.

Plus, I’m tired! I slept really late yesterday because the stupid software for taking quizzes doesn’t work in the dorm, and I had to resort to taking it on J’s laptop like 30 minutes before the online submission deadline. lol.

Anyways, I’m just perfecting the details on chapter 3 and then I will be moving on to chapter 4–the hard ass stuff! And once I finish getting CourseCompass to stop bitching at me, I will attempt the supplementary homework. Yay Statistics…

Oh, and I finally had my phone interview with CMH’s office! It went alright. I didn’t prepare at all for the interview, but the questions were pretty simple and they didn’t throw any curveballs at me (“If you were a food, what would you be?”). Plus, the lady was nice and had a UCD alum with her who was also asking questions to ‘make it more comfortable’. Aww I thought that was a super cute touch. Hopefully I get the job. They’ll be calling me in the next week. Ack. I can’t think of anything that I explicitly fucked up, other than the minor things–like speaking too fast, my tendency to ramble, having that ‘nervousness’ in my voice. If the CMH people read this, I promise I am not a nervous psychopath! Please hire me! But yeah. If that doesn’t work out…I’m screwed.

Anyways, back to Statistics. I WILL OWN THIS TEST.

The best part of waking up

…is coffee, a bran muffin, and listening to an NPR news stream via the Internet.

I came to the Art Lounge to try and get started on Stats homework since I actually brought my notebook and calculator with me, but I’ve just been perusing various blogs, the UC Davis EAC website, and random websites about the law profession.

I have a passion for international politics and law-making in general, but if I’m applying to law school, what am I supposed to say? That I’m looking to law school as a springboard to launch a low-salary government job? To become a vastly-hated politician (hopefully not becoming the next Bobby Jindal, Calvin Coolidge, or–God forbid–George W. Bush)? To become a diplomat to the U.N., whose issues with collective security are probably something that I honestly don’t know if I want to attempt to salvage?

People tell me things like “Oh, you’re a freshman. You have LOTS of time to decide what you want to do.” Which I find absolutely untrue. If I want to get into a top-20 law school, I have to start planning EARLY. And there are so many things I want to do while in college–study abroad, UC Washington Program, FSD internship, and so much more. I have friends who are graduating in 3 years, and for some reason the thought of them graduating a year before me makes me feel like I have to rush myself into finishing fast.

Fucking A. My high school friends are so damn competitive. Oh well.

The problem is, I like college. I don’t mind doing 4 years. I want to be able to savor my time here with the AAC, classes I enjoy taking, and really absorbing all that college has to offer me.

So I’m not overeating! :)

Today has been a good food day so far.

B- oatmeal
L- strange salty eggplant parmesan thing, some tofu chunks, and a couple of fruit tarts
D-??

Will have to figure out what to do for dinner. Apparently we are getting pizza at our commission meeting tonight, but then again I don’t want to be shoveling carbs carbs and more carbs into my mouth. Oh well…Hmm. I’ll just eat pizza at the commission meeting since I don’t want to eat at the DC if I’m just going to end up eating at the commission meeting anyways.

Or if there’s not enough pizza at the commission meeting, I’ll just go to latenight. Mmm, latenight.

TO DO list:
[x] call D at CMH’s office, let her know I emailed her back
[_] Etzioni pp. 99-117
[_] SAS homework (due Weds)
[_] Gym today (perhaps schedule it around 4:45 abs express class?)

This is good, actually. If I go to the gym at around 4:00pm, go to abs at 4:45, run for a little until 5:30, I’ll have time to come back and shower and read up on legislation before the 7:15 pm meeting. Perfect!

Online window shopping.

I want these:

Probably getting this in black or navy.

And ever since I saw Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl wearing that adorable navy romper with red tights, I’ve been OBSESSED with buying myself a romper.

I like it! Except I wouldn't want to get it in black.

AHHHH CUTE! And it's 100% cotton. Mmmm. I want to order this, except I've had issues with proportions in terms of jumpsuits.

It actually looks pretty cute on the model. Unfortunately, I tried this on at the F21 store, and the proportions didn't fit right. It looked HUGE on my torso

…to be continued.

04/07/09

Maybe I should make this more of a Journal format than an occasional blog.

So today is a Tuesday. Which meant waking up to…IRE 001!

Although for the past three classes I have accidentally been oversleeping (not by too much, I still happen to hurriedly rub the gunk out of my eyes, and manage to only mildly look like shit as I hop onto my bike and speed to grab a coffee and stumble into the classroom to squeeze in between the ROTC kid and the Asian boy who asks a lot of questions). Why is it that I’m always accidentally late to my favorite class?

Anyways, so Marc (our instructor–still not sure if I should be addressing him as ‘Professor’ since he was my TA for POL 003 during fall quarter) recommended a book called ‘Essence of Decision’ by Graham Allison and Philip Zelikow. It’s about the models of decision-making in relation to a lot of questions about the 1962 Cuban Missile Crisis. Personally, the Cold war was my favorite war. To learn about, that is. So I think I might hop on over to the Library to grab a copy and actually get some educational reading done that doesn’t involve 100 sex tips from Cosmopolitan or Arianna Huffington making repeated blasts at Tim Geithner.

I am currently sitting in the Art Lounge on the 2nd floor of the MU as I look for ways to not do my SAS 007 homework. Haha. I like the Art Lounge. It’s much quieter than the Griffin Lounge on the 1st floor since there isn’t a constant influx of people coming and going. Plus, the carpet consists of colored squares with matching sofas and armchairs–much more lush than the drab Griffin Lounge, whose furniture consists of a strange stage-like contraption and various ripped-leather chairs and benches. Ew. And the King Lounge has nice tables, but the Art Lounge is still newer and cozier.

Hmm, it’s 11:00 am.

Oh, so I made AAC! It’s a commission that comprises the legislative part of student government here at UCD. I”m super excited. Even though I’m only an alternate. But  the turnover rate is pretty high, so I only have 9 weeks of being an alternate before I become a permanent member during fall quarter! Yay! I don’t really mind being an alternate; I still get to participate in Open Speaker’s List and all that jazz. Plus, if there’s members missing (which there usually is) during Voting Bloc, I get to vote! This week I get to be confirmed during a Senate meeting, which sounds cool so I’m super excited. Yay for getting involved in student activities.

In other news, I’m also a member of IRSA and Roosevelt. IRSA is super nice, and S joined with me. A couple of the officers–two girls, SH and LC, are best friends and they room together. And we found out that S is pretty much LC’s twin–they both are Communications majors, both did yearbook in high school (and are obsessed with it), and are both vegetarians. So LC and SH are really glad to meet us haahahaha. S thinks they see us as little versions of them? Perhaps…whatever, I’m excited. They seem like a very cool group of kids. Roosevelt on the other hand, is super challenging–I really need to do more IR reading so I can engage more fully in the discussions. But regardless, Thursday nights are busy for me what with the Senate meetings, IRSA, and then Roosevelt.

Additionally, I applied for an internship this summer that I still haven’t heard back from. Maybe it’s because admissions is rolling for them, so they are taking their own sweet time to call back applicants? This is annoying! I’ve already called them once and the same guy at the front desk picked up the phone. And he remembers me, so I don’t want to be annoying and call again and then have them remember me as the applicant who nags them over and over. Boo. They told me they would call me by last Friday, and it’s already Tuesday!

Plus I plan to apply for an ACLU internship. But the deadline is like…what, a month away? I still have time.

And then my mom gave me the email of a lawyer friend she met at some relative’s house, and was repeatedly demanding that I email her (notice my diction, I did not say nagging!) and try to ‘weasel out an internship’. So I sent the lady a wordy-yet-not-Odyssey-sized email with my questions about law, because my mom claimed that the lady was super nice and very enthusiastic about someone wanting to ask her questions. The lady replied a few days later with a very unenthusiastic email about how she was busy and would get to my questions later. GRR. This is kind of why I get annoyed that my parents aren’t social-networking fanatics with connections in almost every industry (ex: ST’s mom, who regularly has the principal and the rest of the PTA over for tea and snacks at her house). Internships that you get hooked up with from a family friend are supposed to be negotiated through your parents. Sigh.

Speaking of which, I plan to rush a sorority fall quarter. Hopefully it won’t be too expensive. And hopefully, I will find one that I fit into. There’s two that I really want to rush since through the process-of-elimination I have decided which ones I DON’T want to rush. Meh. I don’t know. If I don’t end up getting a bid from my top choice(s), I will probably just rush the pre-law fraternity or something.

And that is all, since I have to pee really badly and also I need to grab something to eat before SAS starts at 12pm.

Goodbye!

Dear Starbucks,

I love you.

More specifically, your Espresso Truffle. And the happy, velvety feeling my tongue and throat get when I drink your calorie-laden goodness.

Ah, it’s that time of year…

FINALS WEEK!

So here’s a grade update.

Economics 1A: C+. Fuck bell curves. Although I guess not going to class finally took its toll…I promise I will study this week! I only need to raise my grade a small percent to pull a B…
Political Theory: B-.  Not bad, considering I was expecting at most a C or D on my final…But my standards are definitely upped for the paper and final, since I think I did somewhat well on the paper and I don’t think the final should be TOO difficult.
Psychology: Ugh, probably a B. I’m going to be whoring out on the extra credit though. And since I slacked and got a D on the third midterm, I’m going to have to take the final.
Technocultural Studies: Well I thought that I was going to have an A, but thanks to my TA claiming I never turned in my third journal, I’m bumped down to a B-. This is going to royally fuck my chance of getting an A. Blargh.
Freshman Seminar: A, thankfully.

So this brings down my GPA…I guess it was a stupid idea to overload classes. But I think next quarter willbe easier, what with my meager 12 unit workload and all.

In the past two or three days, I have been the definition of the term ‘eating my feelings’. Out of exhaustion, frustration, and anger at school in general, I walked to the Junction and wasted 5 swipes (!) on a tiny-ass box of vegan cookies (fuck overpriced “healthy food”), a slightly-larger-but-still-small bag of salt and pepper Kettle chips, and an Odwalla. My rationale was: “If I binge, I must try to binge healthy”. This was because I was picking out binge food while on the phone with the BF, who griped about the fat content in Dibs ice cream when I was about to buy it.

Seriously, hun? You smoke at least 2 cigs a day and your diet consists of fried chicken, Oreos, orange juice, pop tarts, fried mozzarella sticks, and coffee. I really don’t think YOU should be lecturing ME on fat content.

I have to wonder if he says it because we’re the same height and could be mistaken for the same weight. Asshole.

Maybe its because I’m secretly enjoying one of the benefits of him not being here: eating a shitload without any comment from him.

I don’t know what it is. The day he left, I went to Old Teahouse and bought a shitty eggplant and tofu plate. I usually eat half and save the rest for another meal, but in an attempt to finish the whole thing, I almost threw up from overeating.

What is it with me and binge eating?

Anyways, this weekend is major study weekend. I’ve got my TCS final on Tuesday, my Pol Theory and Psych finals on Wednesday, and my Econ final on Thursday. It shall be a fun week!

A changed perspective from my weekend at home.

So for the past couple of months, my dog Kona’s been battling an aggressive case of spine cancer. We discovered it in late November/early December, when his tail became limp and his leg became lame. Gradually, he lost function in his hind legs, and then his entire torso. It was really horrible to see. My family had to put him to sleep a week ago because the disease had debilitated him so much. May he rest in peace. I loved him a lot, and I hope he is in a better place now.

I went home for the long weekend, and to see my family back to normal again made me realize how much I love them. My family had lost their spirit during Kona’s sickness, and there was a lot of tension in the house.

I truly enjoyed time with my family this weekend. I missed my parents’ embarrassing humor and my sister’s penchant for staying up all night talking about everything and nothing (even as I begged her to let me sleep).

However, my parents made a shocking comment about me dating CGF/MF. First of all, I hadn’t told them that we were dating, but they kept insinuating that I should never ‘marry CGF/MF’ because he’s a smoker. That didn’t shock me too much, since smoking is a behavior that can be changed, but my father ended the conversation with the grave comment: “We have high standards for you.”

My mind went blank, and I felt myself step back and stare at my life. I’m having second thoughts–I’m not necessarily going to act on them, but I’m really wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It made me realize–at some point or another, everyone–friends AND family–has said “You can do better”. And yet another part of me was appalled, because I have a feeling my father’s comment wasn’t purely because of smoking–was this a comment of racism/classism/casteism? CGF/MF and I are the same race (and actually the same caste), but my parents have a tendency to be pretty elitist when it comes to region and language.

Of course, to say that CGF/MF and I intend to get married would be jumping–scratch that, fucking leaping to conclusions. My concern is that I really don’t see this relationship working out in the long term, because my previous claims of “Oh, I’ll tell my parents once it gets serious” are now nervously laughing and shrinking into a corner.  If they have pre-emptively told me that they don’t approve of him, how am I supposed to ever be honest with them? How am I supposed to be honest with him? Because I’m already feeling myself get lost in this tangled web of lies.

This also makes me think about the fact that I wrote ‘I love you!’ in his V-Day card (which still hasn’t reached him yet thanks to FedEx incompetency). Has saying the three magic words summoned the Grim Reaper of Relationships to take me by the hand and lead me to my grave? Have I entered into a contract with an indefinite expiration date?

Now, my mind has been tainted. I’m turned off from this relationship. Hopefully it’s only temporary. Because I hate the fact that I’m starting to look for flaws in it. Besides the fact that I feel uncomfortable with him blowing money to fly over to this coast and because I myself am scared when my loved ones go on flights (the recent airplane crash from Newark, N.J. to Buffalo, N.Y.), it makes me feel like I’m not investing as much time or money or effort into it.

So in conclusion, thumbs up for seeing family, thumbs down for what they think of the boyfriend (even though they don’t know about boyfriend status), and thumbs neutral about the boyfriend.

Can I do this?

So the boyfriend pretty much called me and told me he’s coming for eight days.

I told him I have a midterm that week. He understands, but insists that this week is the only time he can come because of logistics.

Fuck.

Can I do this? It’s hard enough not seeing him, but it’s even harder to get shit done when he is here. Plus, this may be a little graphic, but I just can’t deal with him here.

Why? Well the nightly sex doesn’t exactly do wonders for my sheets. Not going to lie. Plus, my dorm room becomes a fucking pigsty. I’ve already got enough troubles attempting to contain my own mess, and having someone else’s mess obstructing access to my closet, my electrical plugpoints, and a corner where I hoist myself up onto my bed is just nerve-wracking. Plus my roommate finally crossed over into her sorority, so she will be in the room more often.

Gah. I really need to up my game. I really need above a 3.6 GPA this quarter, which means having to be focused. Weird, since I’m sitting here at 1:35 a.m. and blogging about everything and nothing. Neither of which is my fatty Technicultural Studies portfolio or the studying on Elasticity that I have to do for Econ. Or the studying for my Psychology midterm on Monday. Goddamnit.

This whole boyfriend across the country thing is really tough.

But if I’m going to juggle a boyfriend, a 3.6 gpa with an increased workload, participation in IRSA, and a hint of a social life, I really need to get focused and put my nose to the grindstone.

This means no more wasted afternoons sleeping. Goddamnit.

Please, PLEASE give me the brains to make the right choices.