So for the past couple of months, my dog Kona’s been battling an aggressive case of spine cancer. We discovered it in late November/early December, when his tail became limp and his leg became lame. Gradually, he lost function in his hind legs, and then his entire torso. It was really horrible to see. My family had to put him to sleep a week ago because the disease had debilitated him so much. May he rest in peace. I loved him a lot, and I hope he is in a better place now.
I went home for the long weekend, and to see my family back to normal again made me realize how much I love them. My family had lost their spirit during Kona’s sickness, and there was a lot of tension in the house.
I truly enjoyed time with my family this weekend. I missed my parents’ embarrassing humor and my sister’s penchant for staying up all night talking about everything and nothing (even as I begged her to let me sleep).
However, my parents made a shocking comment about me dating CGF/MF. First of all, I hadn’t told them that we were dating, but they kept insinuating that I should never ‘marry CGF/MF’ because he’s a smoker. That didn’t shock me too much, since smoking is a behavior that can be changed, but my father ended the conversation with the grave comment: “We have high standards for you.”
My mind went blank, and I felt myself step back and stare at my life. I’m having second thoughts–I’m not necessarily going to act on them, but I’m really wondering if I’m doing the right thing. It made me realize–at some point or another, everyone–friends AND family–has said “You can do better”. And yet another part of me was appalled, because I have a feeling my father’s comment wasn’t purely because of smoking–was this a comment of racism/classism/casteism? CGF/MF and I are the same race (and actually the same caste), but my parents have a tendency to be pretty elitist when it comes to region and language.
Of course, to say that CGF/MF and I intend to get married would be jumping–scratch that, fucking leaping to conclusions. My concern is that I really don’t see this relationship working out in the long term, because my previous claims of “Oh, I’ll tell my parents once it gets serious” are now nervously laughing and shrinking into a corner. If they have pre-emptively told me that they don’t approve of him, how am I supposed to ever be honest with them? How am I supposed to be honest with him? Because I’m already feeling myself get lost in this tangled web of lies.
This also makes me think about the fact that I wrote ‘I love you!’ in his V-Day card (which still hasn’t reached him yet thanks to FedEx incompetency). Has saying the three magic words summoned the Grim Reaper of Relationships to take me by the hand and lead me to my grave? Have I entered into a contract with an indefinite expiration date?
Now, my mind has been tainted. I’m turned off from this relationship. Hopefully it’s only temporary. Because I hate the fact that I’m starting to look for flaws in it. Besides the fact that I feel uncomfortable with him blowing money to fly over to this coast and because I myself am scared when my loved ones go on flights (the recent airplane crash from Newark, N.J. to Buffalo, N.Y.), it makes me feel like I’m not investing as much time or money or effort into it.
So in conclusion, thumbs up for seeing family, thumbs down for what they think of the boyfriend (even though they don’t know about boyfriend status), and thumbs neutral about the boyfriend.
