Randomness.

It’s cooled off. Good thing it has, because this long-distance shit was fucking with my head.

Of course, the occasional daydream pops into my head that when I become skinny, we’ll reunite and have a hot hookup.

Which I don’t doubt happening (the hook up part, not the skinny part).

But for now, we’ve cooled off. We’re better friends than before, but none of this relationship bullshit. And that’s the way I want it.

It’s still not back to the point where I can tell him if I hooked up with someone else–I don’t have it in me to break it to him like that.

And I still can’t figure out whether or not he actually liked me. Judging from his actions, it could be either way. I would ask DN, but 1) she has her internship and 2) she tells CGF/MF everything–like EVERYTHING, so I doubt it would be a smart idea to tell her.

Whatever, fuck this shit. I’m ready to fucking live life and be young.

CGF/MF said it a few days ago, and I realized it was true.

Ever since Spain, which basically involved sightseeing in the day time and then clubbing and drinking alcohol by night, I’ve just become different. I have a lot more to hide from my parents.

A year ago, I wasn’t into partying. I wondered why alcohol was so much fun for people, because I personally thought it tasted weird.

But now, sober fun doesn’t even compare to drunken giggling and singing and dancing.

Ever since Spain and the Sammelan and Davis Orientation, I feel like I haven’t been home a lot. Even now, as I sit at home and wait for my shift at the YMCA to commence, I feel like I don’t live at home. I’m so bored that it’s not even funny. Furthermore, not having a license adds to that boredom, as my social life pretty much has to be dead (my parents HATE giving me rides).

There are tons of clubbing events going on, but my 18 year old friends can’t get into the underage ones, and I can’t get into the normal ones. Plus there’s probably not going to be any drinking going on soon because SP has all our stuff at her house in Folsom, and nobody here has any good stuff.

I have different interests now. It’s strange.

Yesterday night, I lay awake with an insanely stressed out head. I was partly humiliated that my mom had yelled at me while I was Skyping with CGF/MF (and he had heard the whole thing), and partly stressed about Davis stuff.

I guess I’ve always taken the whole “making new friends” thing for granted. I never looked at it as a tough thing to do, since my experience at debate camp and other such programs were such easy transitions. I went to Orientation, however, and I didn’t make too many friends. And I felt slightly scared. I’ve had this whole ‘perfect college experience’ thing planned out in my head, but what if it doesn’t work out? What if I don’t make friends? What if I eat lunch alone every day and it becomes a more miserable version of high school?

But now I guess I have to take it all in. The good and the bad. I’m pretty sure it won’t be like that. Even the most socially inept people make friends in college. It should be fun. I know I can do it all. Three classes-how difficult can it be? They’re all lower division classes. I can get a 4.0 and still party at least three times a month. And find time to go to the gym and lose the fat.

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
Viva la Vida - Coldplay.

Actually, we talk more.

Yesterday we Skyped it up. And it was nice.

Our relationship has definitely changed. We’re not just friends anymore.

And it’s probably going to get really tough to keep this thing going. Especially once college rolls around.

But I like it for now. I like him.

I like his really jolly laugh. He’s so cool and encouraging and funny. And we have so many inside jokes.

And you know what I hate about others?

When they say “You can do better”. People have said that for every single guy I’ve ever been remotely involved with. And when I heard DN saying it the other day, I was somewhat surprised..she knows both me and MetalFan/CoolGuyFriend really well, and I never thought she’d say something like that about him.

Oh well.

Today was the last time I saw him.

I feel like crying, but I’ll do it later.

Fucking Spain. Do I have to go?

The last couple of days have been awesome. And I told myself not to get emotionally involved, especially because I felt like he was two-timing me, but he wasn’t.

Damn it all. I guess it’s better in the long run that we’re just friends with benefits.

I really miss him.

Douche. Jerk. Sociopath.

After prom, he said all these cheesy things. And he sure as hell doesn’t mean them.

I’m upset that he thinks he’s soooo clever by two-timing me. Hm? Gah.

At least for me, this has tainted our friendship. I want to be mad at him but I can’t–he’s my friend.

And it’s awkward. Damnit.

It’s just a fling, and it doesn’t mean anything.

That slimy, two-timing little sleaze.

But regardless, Senior Ball was fun. And I’d do it over again in a heartbeat–only I’d take more picture of the boat, haha.

Summary?

Got drunk on goldflake vodka.

Came to dance.

Acted like an idiot.

Danced with random guys on E.

Told random people how drunk I saw.

Danced with CoolGuyFriend/MetalFan.

Made out with CoolGuyFriend/MetalFan.

And let me tell you, I am now disillusioned. My feelings of wondering about our relationship are gone because he is A HORRIBLE KISSER. It wasn’t even romantic when we made out. He basically shoved his tongue down my throat. No fucking kidding. Gross.

And I just said “Yay….wheeeeeee” like a fucking idiot.

Holy shit. And I have to deal with him for another week. And prom. Jeez.

So yesterday was the grand bonfire for my Journalism friends.

Only like 4 people showed up. But it didn’t matter because it was still super fun.

Then when everyone left, it was just me and Cool Guy Friend. I walked him to my driveway, and it didn’t look like he was planning on leaving. So we took a long walk through my neighborhood and then went to the park.

We swung on the swings, and then went to the playground and sat on the bars and talked.

I had a feeling something would happen just because of the way he was acting.

He almost put his hand on my leg, but hesitated. I could totally tell. haha.

And then we lay down in the grass and watched the stars/clouds. Fucking clouds. We saw the Big Dipper, but only for a few minutes. Laaaame. Aren’t summer nights supposed to be the best nights to go stargazing?

Fucking clouds.

Then we walked back to my house and started making  ‘awkward turtles’. And we made our awkward turtles start fighting, and we invented a game where you have to destroy the other person’s awkward turtle. And I kept winning. But we kept playing until he won (once, haha. laaaame). And when he did, he held my hand.

Uhhhh, WHAT?

Why is he such a flirt? Jesus! I’m trying to hard not to get emotionally involved because he thinks he’s like…a player or something. It’s horrible.

But hey. A little healthy flirting never hurt anyone. I think as long as I don’t get emotionally involved (I almost slipped there when I heard about his Spotlite friend), it’s alright. A girl needs some action once in a while, right?

Okay I sound like a slut. Haha. But screw that.

I’m going to revel in the fun of being young and alive.

I’ve achieved contentment.

I’m enamored with all my friends and how amazing they are.

I’m just in love with all of them.

So yeah, I think I’m pretty happy.

Plot summary: A couple of weeks ago, Cool Guy Friend asks Awkward Profiterole out to prom. Awkward Profiterole accepts, and is happy because

1) she was dateless
2) she did not want to be asked by Winterball date guy
3) she wanted to go with a friend so that prom would be fun and chill and hella bomb.

problem solved, right?
That very day was the audition to MC a special show (let us call it Cultural Evening). AP was very excited to try out because she had tried out and been chosen to MC the year before. She expected to make it. She then remembered CGF asking her to hook her up with a tryout. So she thought to herself, “Hmm. He DID ask ME, the fat, hairy, moody lump to prom, so I should do him a favor and stop being such a competitive bitch and invite him to tryout. I wouldn’t be able to live with the truth if he asked me later why I didn’t tell him, and it would be fun to MC with him!”

Wrong. First off, the cliquey and bitchy organizers of the Cultural Event did not select AP. They selected everyone but AP, including CGF. This made AP very sad and bitter and jealous. She then resolved to not go to Cultural Event and its afterparty.

Somehow, CGF knew of AP’s anger at not making it. AP wondered what he thought of her, and was still sadn and jealous and bitter.

So Cultural Event came and went, and AP spent the afternoon judging a debate tournament.

The day after, AP heard her friends talking about the happenings and chuckled at all the silly expected things: lots of Indians making out, people drunk/high, and the like.

She then heard that CGF was making out with another girl.

She did not know what to think. At first, she thought “Hey. It’s his life. Let him do what he wants with it! Why, you ask?
1) We aren’t together. Us going to prom together does not bind him to some sort of chastity agreement.
2) Who am I to tell him what to do?
3) I don’t even have emotional attachment to this person other than a close friendship!”

Analysis: Ah well. I guess I’m just bitter/sad/jealous over not making MC–hey, I’m emotional. And my period came today in Econ, so my day was tainted, thanks very much. I guess I’m just…sad he didn’t tell me. It’s the awkwardness of knowing something about your friend that you can’t/shouldn’t really talk to them about. I guess if I were a guy, I could be like “Hey man. Heard you were makin out with some chick yesterday!” hahaha.

Chillax. No worries. Time to study for Econ, do Physio homework, do AVID shit, and go to the gym to unbloat myself.

I didn’t make Graduation speaker.

And on top of that, I didn’t make Spotlite MC (which is more of a disappointment because I made it last year).

It makes me wonder. Did I even deserve it last year? Or was it just because A**** was my friend and happened to be President of the club?

I feel bitter. I thought to myself, ‘Hey, why don’t I do the right thing for S****. He wanted to try out, so I’ll call him and invite him to audition. After all, he did ask me to prom, so I should return the favor’.

And he made it.

And not me. Now, it’s ridiculous to think that he could have made it and ‘taken my spot’, so to speak.

But I’m just bitter.

And I have jealousy issues.

Damn it.

I guess it is a feeling of incompetence? I feel like I’m being looked down upon. Oh, look at me. I didn’t make the cut. Pity me. Pity me.

Why. must. I. be. so. jealous.